i almost forgot that this page existed..

2011.. yuppp, it's 1am, and now it's 1/1/11

Nice number.. :p

So?

What?

Don't know..

Serabut..

Sleep..

Probably you'll feel better tomorrow..

Alhamdulillah..

Sentiasa bersyukur pada Allah..

Betul..

You asked for it..

The best for dunya and akhirat, right?

InsyaAllah..

I submit my life to You..

InsyaAllah..

what have i become?

Yesterday, I went to my friends' house (happily married for one year) for a dinner party. I swear that I expected myself to be jealous of them, and to have wanted what they had; each other, stable job, house, investment properties, car, wanting kids, solat jemaah everyday n all..

to my own surprise, what i felt was on the contrary. Instead of wanting that life, i felt that i was glad that i didn't jump into it when i was younger, and i totally couldn't imagine myself going through a life like that at this age.

i can't believe i am saying this, but i was more appalled of the idea of typical-malaysian-wedded-life, to have to conform to the common expectation (family), and to go with the flow and whatever shit. whatever happened to the spirit of wanting to be carefree and being spontaneous, and to do whatever shit, things, stuff that i like. Gosh, i just put myself into the not-a-wife-material category.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that my friends are happy together, and I salute you all who are happily married, and to have the courage to make the lifelong commitment. Just that.. I don't see that for myself, not anytime soon.. I want to be carefree at the moment. to state the truth, marriage and being carefree does not go together.

I am sorry baby..

To know all is to forgive all..

it's in my nature to explain things. some of my friends call it self-defense-mode. this tendency of mine makes me a good student, i see the urge to understand things. i see the need to understand how things work, how does things operate, why do things behave in certain ways, and why do human do the things they do. i have a habit: i need an explanation for everything.

To have an explanation means to understand. and to understand means to know. and to know all is to forgive all. if i have an explanation for everything, then i'll be at peace with everything..

i want to be at peace, so bear with me..