A repost from my old blog (02/02/2008)

The Meaning of Marriage..

assalamualaikum,

I just got back in Melbourne, and I have been living alone for about a month now. This gives me the chance to think about a lot of things that matters to me..for instance, about marriage.
over the past few years, I have interacted a lot with married people. Some of them are newly weds, some of them are ‘well-seasoned’ partners with a bunch of kids and some are just couple categorized in between. Well, I hate to say this, but a lot of them have given me the impression that marriage and having a family is something hard. It is the cause of stress, it binds you with responsibility that you cannot escape, it is an obligation, etc.

Somebody that i know, he is married for about one year now. Yes, he and his wife look happy, and they are very much in love. But I see that the husband is very busy working and earning money. I thought that maybe because them being married at a young age, it is quiet hard to manage the financial needs. Need to consider your own pocket money, nafkah for your wife, money for parents, need to get a house soon, a car..etc. Love is not enough to get a marriage going aye?

Then comes my cousin. I had a conversation with his 7-month-pregnant wife about life after marriage. "hari2 dinner kena make sure lebih kurang pukul 9. kalau awal nanti abang taknak makan sebab nanti lapar balik katenye. n masak tabley pedas.." and yada..yada..it goes on. Yupp, we spoke about responsibilities as a wife and we agreed that obviously wives are not as free as when they were single. It is not just about you anymore, whatever you do, it also affects your husband and your kids. Responsibility..

i always watch my sister with her kids. Her son sangat manja,
he would do a lot of things to seek his mum and dad’s attention. The
things that he does would include pouring milk into the aquarium,
shutting down the television when people are watching, he would wake
her baby sister up when she just fell asleep, insisting on ‘helping’, throwing food on the floor..etc.
It is understandable he does all that just to get attention all the
time. But, I can’t imagine having to deal with that everyday. It looks
so stressful and tiring.

I also knew this couple who were married for quiet some time and just got their first child. I am ashamed to say that I am uncomfortable being around both of them at the same time. They hardly say anything nice about each other, very cynical, the wife even threw things when she was angry at her husband in front of me. Most of the time, the quarrels would be because of their baby. Hmm..so much of ‘anak sebagai pengikat kasih sayang’ aye? Don’t get me wrong, they are nice people individually. It’s just that I don’t really ‘fancy’ watching the way they interact.

So one day, i asked my uncle, "if it is so stressful, then why do people get married?" his wife who was sitting beside him answered me, "because though it may be stressful sometimes, there are beautiful parts in it too.." then they both laughed. so i didn’t further question to avoid looking silly.

i told my friend about the conversation with my uncle n auntie, and that person said.."owh, the beautiful part must be ‘aktiviti orang dah kahwin’ la kot.." (you know what that means). hmm, i took a deep breath and I traveled back to my world of thoughts.

so, is it true? Is that what marriage means?

- Ikatan antara dua hati yang saling mencintai dan berjanji untuk hidup bersama sepanjang hayat

- tanggungjawab untuk menjaga satu sama lain. (jaga makan, sediakan pakaian, sediakan rumah)

- melahirkan zuriat sebagai pengikat kasih dan penyambung warisan

- menyempurnakan keperluan manusia. (nafkah batin).

so, i would conclude marriage as:
"marriage is when two people live together and love each other. They watch each other’s back and they also wash each other’s back. A husband is responsible to provide food and shelter whilst a wife’s responsibility is to make sure she always looks good for the husband, cooks delicious meals, wash clothes, and gives birth. Both are responsible to raise the children to be insan yang berguna kepada agama, bangsa dan negara. This is part of life cycle that normally people goes through. It would be the cause of happiness, cause of stress, and also cause of pain if it is not done correctly. The rule of thumb is: never leave your responsibility."

Plus, the pre-requisites to get married:
normally when you have graduated, work for a few years first and make sure you are financially stable enough to support your family and your parents (for the husband). For wives, learn how to cook, slim yourselves, make sure you know how to groom yourselves and the house and be prepared to raise a child.

So, what the heck are all these?
I hate it, now i felt that marriage is merely just another part of a normal human life. You get married when you feel that you are ready to settle down and because you don’t want to live alone when you are old. That’s demeaning, degrading, shallow.. The more I think about it, the more I felt that I don’t want to get married, because I felt that it bounds me to things that I can’t escape for the rest of my life. I imagined, so if i get married, what would it be like in a few years? I guess that I would be a working mum. I would get up early in the morning, get myself ready then prepare breakfast for my husband and children. Go to work, then come back from work and cook dinner every evening without fail. I have to make sure that I do not gain weight so that my husband wouldn’t look for any other woman. I also have to make sure that my kids get enough love and attention. and that’s how my life would be everyday for THE REST OF MY LIFE. sounds like typical mum aye?

I guess that you would be thinking..’normal la tu..’ or ‘what else do you want??!’

Yes, there is something that I want…there is something missing in the picture.. for me, the missing part is the meaning..

I..don’t want to get married just because I have found the man that I love..

I..don’t want to get married just because I think I am ready..

I..don’t want to get married just to have sex..

I..don’t want to get married just because I will be 25 and it is time..

I really believe with all my heart that there is something more to marriage.
Alhamdulillah, a few days ago I spoke to a very good friend of mine and I re-discovered my reason:

And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between
your hearts. Undoubtedly, in these are signs for those who reflect."
(Quran, surah ar-Rum. 30:21)

Dan nikahkanlah orang-orang yang masih membujang di antara kamu, dan
juga orang-orang yang layak (menikah) dari hamba-hamba sahayamu yang
laki-laki dan perempuan. Jika mereka miskin, Allah akan memberi
kemampuan kepada mereka dengan karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas
(pemberian-Nya), Maha Mengetahui. (Surah An-Nur 24:31)

Marriage is something that is pure… It is a halal relationship
between a man and a woman. It is a form of ibadah.. It is absolutely
not just "responsibility and human love, full stop".

Personally, I have already known long ago what I want someday:
I want to be a part of a man’s life who has devoted his living and dying because of Allah.. I want to be part of my husband’s dream to build a Baitul Muslim. I want to devote my life with the person who has devoted his life for Allah..The One whom all of us have vowed to devote our lives to.
I want to give him tranquility in his life. I want to make him happy. I want to carry and give birth to his children. I want to raise our children and as a family, I want to be leaded by my husband whom I love with all my heart because of Allah..

I guess that after saying all of that, the obstacles would still be the same. We still have to go through financial stuff, we might still have misunderstandings, perhaps there will always be challenges in raising children and all the things I have mentioned earlier. I know that life will not be smooth sailing all the time..
But this time, I am seeing it differently. I am not afraid to go through all these with the man I love purely because of Allah. I am not afraid to go through all these with the man who is not afraid to be the leader. Because, I have found my serenity in the hands of this man: my husband. Whatever happens, we are in it together because we have the same reason: Because of Allah.

(gambar pinjam)

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This piece that I write is solely meant to express my views. I am not judging anyone and please don’t judge me too. All comments are welcomed.